Submitted by Paul Lewis, I think my goldfish has seizures, a man tells the veterinarian. Give me my scotch! The flight attendant rushes over with their drinks. Im having a going-out-of-fitness sale. @johnlyontweets, I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Im sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. So she brought me in the next day, took me to the manager and said, Okay, here you go!Submitted by Andy Fielding, I was skyping with my three-year-old grandson when he suddenly announced, You can come out of the computer now, Grandma! Submitted by June Pearson, I was driving my three-year-old granddaughter, Nevaeh, to daycare one morning after a heavy snowfall. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when hes done, poof, the light goes off?, Oh, no, exclaims Bonnie. Face your problems, dont Facebook them., 4. But they were fully booked. The air is so fresh it smells like flowers. Stop! cries the second cockroach. You could read it as "seriously" or as "a joke didn't walk into the . First, lets make sure hes dead., Theres a silence, then a shot. 50 of the best lines from Peep Show Keep these funny holiday jokes in mind for your next party! The landlady answers. [Read: 60 creative insults to intellectually insult someone with sarcasm and leave everyone around laughing]. Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D., is an assistant clinical professor in Northwestern Universitys Master of Science in Marriage and Family Therapy program. Get to know these funny jokes for National Tell a Joke Day! Whenever we'd start talking and she didn't want to hear it she would sing, "Oh the monkey wrapped his tail around the flag pole, to wipe his butt hole, and see the world! Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, Did you hear about the identical twins who robbed a bank? The feel-good session ended when I read the fortune cookie: You will soon be reunited with a good friend. Stanley Heerboth, My wife does this cute thing now and then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items. @cravin4. But that's not all. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says 'Plethora.'. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. Ken Dodd. Never again. The walls are so clean you cant run up them. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. Follow us on Instagram Facebook Twitter Pinterest and we promise, well be your lucky charm to a beautiful love life. As it happens, theres a village right over the hill where a butcher is called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are called Murphy. 2. We werent looking for the same thing, she explained. What other woman? Adam shot back. He asks the dogs owner, Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?, The owner says, Because hes a liar! Soccer was the first sport that many of us tried. He looked at all the rings on my fingers, then exclaimed, You must have had a lot of husbands! Submitted by Esther Dawson, Me: I brought some books for us to read. Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. But I had to call you because Im in awe of his relationship with God. My dog is so smart, says the first owner, that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. She has published three web humor books and six calendars, including You Had One Job! Its all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick. Andrew Lawrence, I bought my friend an elephant for his room. This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING. He must pay for his mistake. Laugh more: Corny jokes for kids Let her spell small animals, not big ones, said her mom. Crime in multi-storey car parks. As they are walking out of the restaurant, Jenna starts to rifle through her purse to find her keys. It never really took off. Milton Jones, Recently I went on a ballooning holiday I put on four stone! Milton Jones. Today I saw something that reminded me of you. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldnt have started with the circumcision.. A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? Its that love/hate thing that means you cant stand them on one hand, but you find them hilarious on the other. What did you write in the ad? his wife asks. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. Hes telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. What are they used for? the captain asks. As he tried to catch his breath, the passenger said, Im sorry I gave you a joltit was my fault. No, it was mine, the driver said. Sometimes I wish I was a bird so I could fly over certain people and shit on their heads., 40. These funny work cartoonswere made for sharing at the office. Pack your stuff, they're waiting. 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee. I know, says the second dog owner. Bonnie, he says, Larry is doing fine! Find out the 10 things you should never say to a Canadian. A blind man visits Texas. This is my first day driving a cab. You can only stalk them and hope for the best." [Read: 55 funny quotes about love and all its complications] 6. Tomac. @keyframes ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5{0%{transform:rotate(0deg)}to{transform:rotate(1turn)}}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq{--sizePx:0;font-size:4px;position:relative;text-indent:-9999em;border-radius:50%;border:4px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyTextAlpha20);border-left-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);transform:translateZ(0);animation:ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5 1.1s linear infinite}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq,._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{width:var(--sizePx);height:var(--sizePx)}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{border-radius:50%}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq._2qr28EeyPvBWAsPKl-KuWN{margin:0 auto} Everyone loves a smartass, whether they want to admit it or not. ", "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? Awesome! he shouts. So I gave him all the money I had. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, I quit., Im not surprised, the head monk says. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, A: When its pasture bedtime. The steaks are too high. Submitted by Tommy Cooper, As an assisted-living caregiver, I have a 92-year-old client, Margaret, with whom I bake cookies. Especially if youve got hay fever. Milton Jones. Hes not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The first little boy says, Ill have some @#$%^& pancakes., The mother angrily sends him to his room for cursing. Cant you just tell me?Submitted by Dana Thayer. "Women are like iPhones. I would love to insult you, but I wouldnt do as well as nature did, 50. If you have ever been offended by someone with nothing but a gaping mouth and a figurative puff of smoke as a response, you know how tragic a lack of a comeback can feel. Id like to lose another 15 pounds first.Submitted by Mary Buoye, Walking along the beach, a man finds a bottle. 73. ", "I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. Why couldn't the defensive football player pass his test in school? Relationships are a lot like Algebra. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, A man at a restaurant orders Swedish meatballs. When Chuck Norris comes to your house he breaks your tooth and takes your money. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. While rummaging through the boats provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When a daydreaming taxi driver accidentally drove past his destination, his passenger gently tapped him on the shoulder from the back seat. Well, the hut one on the left is where I live, says the man. "You can't make somebody love you. I do, however, want to set fire to all of your stuff. [Read: All the quotes you need while going through a breakup], 15. You were looking for a piece of plastic. Im a lawyers genie, so for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the same thing, only double. After thinking a moment, the man says, For my first wish, I would like $10 million. Lawyers will get $20 million, the genie reminds him. Eight dollars, I answered. Whats that big brass gong for? asked the friend. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the gambling casino? What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. I always say Morning instead of Good Morning, because if it was a good morning, I would still be in my bed and not talking to people., 2. !" It was a long, dramatic, drawn-out way of telling us to shut-up. I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Youre running around with another womanadmit it! she demanded. This bloke said to me: Im going to attack you with the neck of a guitar. I said: Is that a fret? Wow, thats incredible, the doctor says. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. George ignored her and walked away. Check out our bestshort jokes! Here are the best insulting smartass quotes we could find. A hobo knocks on the door of the St. George and the Dragon Inn. ' Misir Doobay, Toronto, I dont need it, but Ill tell you who does Jen Statsky, writer. So we stopped playing chess. Matt Kirshen. I nixed that one in favour of a low-tech model. I normally have to run to catch the 11:30 bus. What's a cat's favorite dessert? Im following the one who called me miss. The Hello, maam one should take note. @anniemumary. Sorry, Im not Adele. A football coach. Two monkeys were getting into the bath. For the past 25 years, I drove a hearse.Submitted by Janeth Murphy, Recently, a man walked into my barbershop and asked how much for a haircut. He says to the man, "We're going to have to give you a drug test.". For more groan-worthy humour, find out what would happen if the person who named walkie-talkies named everything. Think about it, the professor answered. My computer's got the Miley virus. Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, Make the entire ocean into beer! The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew. 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley ' Tim Vine. To get to the other side. Dont miss our side-splitting roundup of hilarious Canadian jokes. After a few moments, Bill says, "Hurry up . Whenever we'd start talking and she didn't want to hear it she would sing, "Oh the monkey wrapped his tail around the flag pole, to wipe his butt hole, and see the world!!". Dont miss these perfectly-timed photos of funny farm animals. Q: Youre riding a horse at full speed. 15. I was involved in very organised crime. Milton Jones, I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper dicing with death. Tim Vine. ._3oeM4kc-2-4z-A0RTQLg0I{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between} You do you! Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners ._2ik4YxCeEmPotQkDrf9tT5{width:100%}._1DR1r7cWVoK2RVj_pKKyPF,._2ik4YxCeEmPotQkDrf9tT5{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}._1DR1r7cWVoK2RVj_pKKyPF{-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center;max-width:100%}._1CVe5UNoFFPNZQdcj1E7qb{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:4px}._2UOVKq8AASb4UjcU1wrCil{height:28px;width:28px;margin-top:6px}.FB0XngPKpgt3Ui354TbYQ{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:start;align-items:flex-start;-ms-flex-direction:column;flex-direction:column;margin-left:8px;min-width:0}._3tIyrJzJQoNhuwDSYG5PGy{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%}.TIveY2GD5UQpMI7hBO69I{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;color:var(--newRedditTheme-titleText);white-space:nowrap;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis}.e9ybGKB-qvCqbOOAHfFpF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%;max-width:100%;margin-top:2px}.y3jF8D--GYQUXbjpSOL5.y3jF8D--GYQUXbjpSOL5{font-weight:400;box-sizing:border-box}._28u73JpPTG4y_Vu5Qute7n{margin-left:4px} Tap To Copy. ", "I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. And theres no better place to be than on your partners team! These breads puns will come in handy the next time you feel like loafing around. And what was that? Its just as I thoughtyou dont know.Submitted by Gene Newman. 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes But in honour of Saint Patrick, I thought Id buy you a sham-rock.Anonymous, My wifes clinic called my home number to tell me that they couldnt accept 911 as her emergency contact. Amazing! the man says. Dont drink that, I said. From the best clean jokes for adults to funny clean jokes of the day, this big SFW list has something hilarious for everyone: kids, teens, seniors and co-workers. I am as nervous as a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Where did the music teacher leave her keys? Well done, you managed to deliver the perfect insult or smartass line. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, Pull over!, No! the woman yelled back, Cardigan! Reddit.com, I quit my job working for Nike. Every so often, the good people of the Ask Reddit community get together and reveal their favorite short joke. When I feel down and someone tells me to suck it up, I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and then say walk it off.. You wont look cool if you show everyone just how happy you are with your efforts! In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. Sometimes, people just need to be told. How does NASA organise a party? My girlfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on her face I love sharpies., 32. Were giving you the best smartass quotes for life, breakups, comebacks, and general advice to live by. Curious, he went to the store and handed the ticket to the owner, who headed to the back of the store before reappearing. It read, Mr. '", "Why did the old woman fall into the well? Kid 2: "You will in about nine months.". He told me to stop going there. Yes, I said. Get ready for more witty bar jokes anyone can remember. A few minutes later, the hobo knocks again. The foreman stands, clear his throat and announces, Not guilty. The defendant leaps to his feet. A mug is placed between his hands. However, if you can do the raised eyebrow look, it will add a dose of irony and really? to your quote. Funny Husband Wife Joke Gift - 11 OZ Coffee Mug. I once had a teacher with a lazy eye. Do you think I look like them? 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Did you hit him with the golf club? Yes, I did, sobs the woman. Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep on the floor. He shouts to her, Hey, why are you crossing the road? The chicken replies, To change the light bulb in the henhouse. Can you change it by yourself, or will you need help? atlantic beach zoning map; torvill and dean routines list; sync only some activity types from garmin to strava Love is grand, until it isnt. The floors are so shiny you can see your antennae in them. My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from London Zoo. 2023 Readers Digest Magazines Ltd. - All rights reserved, We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), Compiled by Andy Simmons, RD.com and Robert Liwanag, readersdigest.ca. Thats why the suit is such a bargain, the sales clerk explained. That cushion softens the blow when the inevitable bad stuff hits: misunderstanding, frustration, and disconnection. Why dont you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the collie. | In addition to the 70 jokes below, we've also got dad jokes , jokes for kiddos , mom jokes , and jokes for holidays that you can share them with the youngest person in the room. Theres no menu, you only get what you deserve. Shave my head.Submitted by Abdulmajeed Mamudu, Two criminals are taking a walk deep in the woods one dark night. Well get ready, because Im about to be gorgeous., 27. 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Dont go down that road. How do you get two whales in a car? Hes done it again!, When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. Darlin.You're hotter than donut grease at a fat man convention. Between you and me, something smells. !, The second boy says, Well, I sure dont want the @#$%^& pancakes!, An old man goes to confession. Theyll be ready next Friday.Submitted by Ronald Moore, A: Cookie sheets. Ive led a very full life, says the dog. A few minutes later, he asks againstill no reply. Submitted by C.A. How are you feeling? she asks. In fact, people love sarcasm, which makes it a great outlet to get all of that pent-up resentment out while slapping a smile on your face. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip. Winston Churchill, 36. Dont miss this roundup of the Canadian comedians to watch out forand their best jokes. 16. Ten what? shein voucher code first order; russ rose salary penn state; bluestacks text not showing; wordle alternative game; what is marco scutaro doing now Ill ask your sister. The blacksmith instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, Ill lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.. Daddy! I was always told it was piss in the boot. Chuck Norris won an arm . Im just mean and people think Im joking., 35. Dont miss theseclever grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate. Its not a gong. It's stopped twerking. Its not until an hour or two later that you come up with a one-liner to knock them off their feet. These hilarious golf jokes are better than a hole in one. ", "If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. Submitted by Tim Vine, Q: What do you call twin police officers? ", "I don't know, but the flag's a big plus. Submitted by Fred Meckley, A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him. There they taught me how to be neutral. Toughest job I ever had? One said: Oo, oo, aah. The other replied:Put some cold in then. Harry Hill, My friend says to me: What rhymes with orange? I said: No it doesnt!, You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The good stuff includes deep conversations, fun times together, laughter, and play. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? All rights reserved. 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. When I told him, he pointed out that I really had failed to organise a piss-up in a brewery. 52. Now what do you want? the woman asks. Obviously, use them only when the conversation gets out of control and the other person stoops to insults. After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. Want to grab a drink? he asks the centipede, but theres no answer from the box. Although the tag said it was on sale, it still cost more than I cared to spend. If youre cooler than me, would that make me hotter than you?, 12. Snake 2: I dont know. Later that evening, he parked his pickup in front of Sarahs house and left it there all night. Submitted by Stephanie Finlayson. Submitted by Greg Madden. Men are like Blackberries. In the piano! One neighbour endlessly bangs his head against the wall, while another screams all night. How do you put up with it? I just ignore them and play my bagpipes.Submitted by Marilyn Adkins, Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the towns morals, stuck her nose into everyones business. ._1x9diBHPBP-hL1JiwUwJ5J{font-size:14px;font-weight:500;line-height:18px;color:#ff585b;padding-left:3px;padding-right:24px}._2B0OHMLKb9TXNdd9g5Ere-,._1xKxnscCn2PjBiXhorZef4{height:16px;padding-right:4px;vertical-align:top}.icon._1LLqoNXrOsaIkMtOuTBmO5{height:20px;vertical-align:middle;padding-right:8px}.QB2Yrr8uihZVRhvwrKuMS{height:18px;padding-right:8px;vertical-align:top}._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0{font-size:14px;font-weight:500;line-height:18px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 ._1LLqoNXrOsaIkMtOuTBmO5,._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 ._2B0OHMLKb9TXNdd9g5Ere-,._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 ._1xKxnscCn2PjBiXhorZef4,._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 .QB2Yrr8uihZVRhvwrKuMS{fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)} Check out more funny examples of irony in real life. 15. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. How will you escape this highly dangerous situation? After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctors office. Everything is big in Texas, says the bellhop. . But two weeks later, theres still no sign of the mutt. Good news, he said. Teasing in and of itself is not always negativein fact, in many circumstances, it is wonderful. You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat. We missed the R! Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach, and now Im the proud owner of aisle seven. @domesticgoddss, My favourite part of watching Jeopardy! We went back to her place and made passionate love for hours., The priest pauses. Are you looking for some funny kids football jokes? In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to renew his drivers license. The best way to make a serious impact with a smartass quote is to deliver it, turn on your heel, and walk away. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. What are you doing? Counting your ribs.Submitted by William Halliday. Youre not trying to get a laugh in most cases, youre trying to insult. Good players are hard to find. Want to know whether you should be kicking your lover to the curb? 25 of Spike Milligans greatest gags Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. 41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners Submitted by Mark Flowerdew, Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbour George of being an alcoholic after spotting his pickup parked in front of a bar one afternoon. I cant, says the poodle. That night I went to a church meeting and the speaker told us about his humanitarian work. Well, said her husband to the shaken pastor when all the commotion ending, shes there.Submitted by Norm Schmitz, One friend complains to another, All my husband and I do any more is fight. You wont believe these hilarious job ads actually ran! Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious. And how are the American students, Donald? she asked. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. Doctor: Oh, we are in this together. A reliable jokenever fails to break the ice during social interactions, and goodness knowssome of us can use all the help we can get in those situations! I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. Me: Yes. I bought the worlds worst thesaurus yesterday. What else do you want? Id love to have a red Porsche, he says. Its all very well and good having a range of smartass quotes in your armory, but how do you deliver them in the right way? The bear shrugged. Two men were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the cars indicators are working. 45 of Ricky Gervais funniest jokes Whoever told you to be yourself gave you really bad advice [Read: Ready to charm? I approached the speaker and placed my order: a Big Mac, large fries and a chocolate shake. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldnt find any. Tommy Cooper.
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