Here's the most obvious answer that no one can argue with. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY.. (Seriously? Or else, Id rather people not start a conversation unless they have something specific to say, unless its somebody like my sister who I know well enough to talk about nothing and enjoy it. Usually people have to give me a straight answer after that. I find mildly-but-not-entirely-absurd stock answers to be a good distraction. Just about the only good answer is, That doesnt work for me/us, followed by, Asked and answered, when they dont want to take that answer. A playful Why, whats up? is cool, but I am probably not compatible friends with someone whose response to a polite-small-talk/soft-invite-opening is to demand why I am asking such a nosy question. Oh, theyre going to the movies on Saturday? For all that the Your X is Valid thing is trending nowadays, you still need to be able to have basic conversations with people, which includes stuff like this. When I asked him later, What the heck? You went out and you didnt even invite me? he said, Well I asked you if you had plans and you said you were doing homework! Well yeah, because I had no other plans at that time because you did not indicate to me that there were any other options! That being said, I am always happy when I get to tell people that I dont answer that question because the answer gets me stereotyped and it keeps us from getting to know each other as individuals. I think thats why it can sometimes be difficult to answer? You: Oh, I have a few plans but Im free for the good stuff!. Example: What are you doing? When a friend asks and I find out that I am busy I often offer some other day to show them that I am interested in hanging out with them. At least Im bright enough to stay out of the control panel and remember my passwords. I prefer living and working in places with a major international contingent for that reason so that different is what is normal. k. Yes, I think theres a fairly clear difference between people who ask as small talk (for example, when youre both waiting for the microwave in the staffroom, or waiting at the bus stop after work) and when its done how LW specifies. LW gets that this is all tied up with threats of violence. Its just a formulaic greeting. If you both talk about what to do in the garden (I know you probably dont own one, its an example), is it a conversation like I want to plant radishes Well, I want to plant flowers Fine, then we plant one half with flowers of your choice and one half with radishes and everyone waters everything? My blood pressure. Invitations are not commands. I"m not done loving you!" 7) "It's Friday bitches!! Absolutely, this too. (Wriggle your hips) I am as happy as a tick on a big, fat doggy. And found myself saying yes more often than I wanted to. And I try to be easier on myself for not having more exciting weekend plans. I think it would be odd to preemptively take that away. person: Hey, hiya, rya? But I explained that I feel like Im being put on the spot- and I would prefer that she just ask me what she wants. You dont sound like you belong here isnt really the friendliest way to get to know someone, even if the intentions are good. I can deal with how are you, since that has an easy script for answering even if it took me a while to memorize it, and where are you from. I can also see how always hearing a particular question before being asked a favor is going to start getting on your nerves. Those of us who are white have a hard time grasping the sheer weirdness that tends to go into this stuff. Especially since they explicitly mention friends, relatives, and people on dating sites. Please note, Ive explained why I often say no and that Im very much a loner. For example, I used to host (board and card) game nights at my home, and Id create an event on Facebook, invite everyone who was part of this group, and ask them to please let me know as soon as they knew whether or not theyd be there, at least by the day before, so I could plan how much food Id need to buy/make. Need some help actually. picked up a shift right off the bat. If I catch myself, before they respond lll clarify what my actual invitation is. I also agree that this is a loaded question and it also makes me on edge when someone I do not know that well asks it. That's why you should remember these funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for the next time the question pops up: If you have no idea what degree you're going to get or where you want to live in the future, pretend that you have something big planned, but don't want to ruin the surprise. I really thought that an invitation was going to come later. How hard is it, whats the timing, is it just for me personally (thats a favor), or is it for the greater familyHER greater family? I can tell you out of personal experience that the constant repetition of this makes you feel a lot like you will never be fully accepted as part of the society/community you live in. She could NOT grasp that she was experiencing a cultural difference and the question wasnt going to stop because a) people were genuinely curious and/or wanted to show they were interested in her as a person and b) she was living in a part of the country where small talk was expected and people would consider it rude NOT to ask that question. Is everyone busy? I have one dear friend in particular that has the busiest social life I know. It gives you a window into each others lives and invites you to share something about yourself. Remember, . Shes right to find it othering and exhausting. I dont understand the point of the question. Me: yes! or no, sorry. If its someone from work that I have no personal relationship with, then Any plans this weekend? just sounds like office small talk, the forward-looking version of How was your weekend? If its someone I know personally, then Are you doing anything tomorrow? sounds like a way to try to trick me into agreeing to do something not-fun (because if it was fun, theyd ask outright). Thinking of seeing [movie]. And I try to be easier on myself for not having the exciting weekends I think I should be having. Funny Bumble Answers #3: Rebel Without A Cause This answer is funny because it paints a picture in the woman's mind of a rebel, even in his youth. Her dad would not agree with a move to force her to move out. Texting or sending an email to someone. Try repeating Fine, thanks. I don't know, you tell me. Ugh. Yes, people use this question for all kinds of reasons, as LW said. Them: We should have lunch soon. Theres a world of small talk out there that doesnt Other a person, and being genuinely curious is not a justification for anything. It could trick your family members into thinking that you actually have your life together. Same thing you're doing, talking to you now. All of these situation have the same question in them, but they are not remotely all one situation. But if someone says what are you doing tomorrow night and I say painting my toenails in front of Netflix, that leaves me without a graceful out. I just want to say I appreciate that, you know, you havent started charging your daughter rent, etc. Unless your friends are kind of jerks they wont interrogate you about your exact schedule. I find that are you doing anything interesting this weekend? can come across as less pressuring than what are you doing this weekend? Not only does it focus the question onto peoples hobbies/interests, but the answer no, not really doesnt automatically mean that someone is free. Sometimes I think if Im going to make something up it might as well be along the lines of going to the moon or whatever. I can see where laundry might be a perfectly good excuse NOT to go with your aunt to somewhere you dont want to go. 04 Mar 2023 17:27:26 "Better days are coming. Or For acquaintances, the way you do in Sweden will also work in the US. Even when its not meant as a hostile act (merely as an exoticising one thats so cool/I used to want to travel there/is it true that people there do x) being othered never feels welcoming. My current boss is a total jerk. Men who constantly try to manipulate women into doing all their emotional labor is a ridiculously huge problem in American culture right now. Id like to get you to take out the trash.), There *is* a certain amount of call on her time that I -do- feel entitled to (she lives in my home, not hers; shes a member of my family). I also (insert similar hobby or interest). 1. Its not over-sensitivity when people react to it theyre reacting to what they know is likely to be underneath it.. In general, most people will expect a response like this when they . It is handy because it has a friendly tone of I dont want to go into detail while still participating in the conversation. That way your daughter can organize her time (which is an important adult skill) and gets some input on what is a chore and how important it is (which allows her to build other adult skills) and she wont get interrupted that much (which to you doesnt feel that way but her story looks probably very different). But it needs to be a set rent, that can be codified and set down in a form you could use with any other adult, should the fancy take you. what about this would a person take personally???? The other day I got into this conversation with a mum I have to say mum colleague rather than mum friend, because her kid is in the same class as my kids and we seem to hang out quite a lot but shes an extreme extrovert and I am really not, and I see more of her than I would really choose to if I had to seek her out. That said, I tend to think the person asked, they can damn well deal with the answer. Again with the caveat that you have to tell the person whom youve used as an excuse that youve done so! I can see how doing anything on thee weekend is small talk, but that would only count if the person is someone you are not on visiting terms with, like most of my colleagues. In ways that I doubt he even always notices. 3.If LW does not want to do the babysitting or isnt available for it on weekends, that should be a separate conversation with those people and maybe set of boundaries to discuss with them. I sympathize with their reasons for having trouble planning, but I also do find it a little irksome that they only initiate actual plans once a year for their birthday while still making all the sounds about wanting to hang out. Overwhelming majority of the time, someone who says why do you ask? wants to know why do you ask. Its aggravating, but it makes sense. I might even be more direct My kids and I need the walk to school for ourselves. Giving my turtle a haircut. Some variation of were busy or we have plans works better. What are you up to? for those I am not interested in carving out space for.). Me: Working. The vague redirect is also a standard, recognized move. Im a big fan of being super clear: That depends, are you asking me out? Im looking forward to some down time. Just ask! Theres nothing bad with setting them and enforcing them, and if youre dealing with people who cant respect them, the question itself is not the biggest problem in the relationship. And so if it happens to me, I wind up agreeing to the thing even if maybe I normally wouldnt have, because now I have no valid excuse for declining. It was glorious. What the letter-writer is doing seems a bit like foreign people not grasping at first that Americans dont expect How are you? to be answered literally. This says "I'm doing well.". For example, if there were a certain number of hours per week or month that she needs to work at certain things you set, Im not seeing a problem. Nothing much (I have one coworker who now sometimes asks me What are you doing this weekend? 2. Ive got annoyed enough over this that I have been uncharacteristically assertive and told him that I dont like being asked out like that and that Id prefer that he just ask me outright about whatever activity it is and the date. Thats my favorite response! Rob: I'm just leaving for work. I might not feel quite as entitled to her time, but Id probably still think there were some things I could ask of her that shed be wrong to refuse. The bad news is that this question probably isnt going anywhere in our lifetime. I get annoyed when family members pose the invitation as Youre coming to Grans on Saturday, right? To which Im like, Uh, whats happening on Saturday? And they stare at me like Im a monster for not knowing it was Sallys third step daughters cousins middle school graduation theyre celebrating on Saturday. Open your mouth and close your eyes andhold on, it got away., (1) Want to have dinner sometime? I had a hard time staying employed and taking care of myself because I have a chronic illness, and the alternative to living with my parents would be to figure out how to apply for section 8 housing and Disability, both of which have a long wait list. RT @h_miller76: Had you asked me what I'd be doing this weekend a long time ago, I would have said the NFL Combine. Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. It helps that shes not as tech savvy, so I can get away with the excuse of well my calendar is on my phone and I cant check it at the same time as talking on the phone, even though I can, she doesnt know that. It all feels like a gross, stupid game I dont want to play. Im super introverted and have medium to high levels of anxiety, depending on the situation. Photo: Funny Quotes. Culture or not, Im very sympathetic to people who have a hard time saying no, since that used to be me. Early on in dating the boything, he would ask what I was doing that night in a way that made me think it was small talkso Id say oh, Im working on [project] probably, or I might just have an early night. And then he would assume I wasnt free, whereas if he would have said hey do you want to have dinner? I would have been on board. The problem with these is that the aforementioned cousin who wants you to babysit may treat your I dont know as nothing at all, I have zero excuses. You need to know your audience, but it does work well for the nosy-only requests. How are you? What are you doing this weekend? Okay, how would that be couched in terms of a lease you would give to another renter? I think its interesting how LW is talking about what seems to me to be a specific social paradigm/situation that a lot of the commentators do not share? Its a little startling to hear something super serious like life is really dark so that would be a surprise here as well. Ok. ( This simple expression embodies the fact that you don't give a f*ck!) Nobody seems to be doing well by this arrangement. Jumping from Are you doing anything on the 3rd? to I need to know if youre coming on the 3rd so I know how many pies to bake! would be really confusing. !" 6) "Come back here weekend!! For me, laundry is a good excuse, because you can make it seems as small or as big as youd like. Feel free to say no if youre busy/dont want to, usually leads to assurances that she *totally* does want to hang out, Saturday is great, etc. In conclusion the rules arent really all that different. Another example: My parents both corrected their local accents to American Standard Television English long before I was born, so I grew up with that accent myself. Your mother/father and I are going to X, would you like to come along?. But sometimes that comes across as I just dont want to, and thats pretty hurtful. Agreed I dont think that the question signals the other person should do all the planning, i think its a way to judge how willing and able they are to hang out sometime in the immediate future. My friends do it alllll the time. Ex.1. In my case its also true (OH is much better at executive function than me). Then, I asked her, why did she ask ME? No.. (beaming smile) (speaking a bit slowly) So you go on (big cheery gesture) on your own because youre interrupting our discussion time.. Be here at 6.. They say hey, and you reply with the same. So in the next day or two, perhaps on some morning when you leave your house and shes there waiting for you, you tell her, firmly but cheerily with giant beaming smiles that the morning walks will be separate from now on because those are for you to have conversation with your children. Because this is very much a dumb conversation filler question and its not going to go away anytime soon. Detailing the event and a specific date is best. as much as it is practicing not giving into pressure to give an explanation of your schedule OR an immediate answer. Im usually free Wednesdays and Thursdays, or I could do a weekend if we plan ahead., Translation: I want to have dinner with you sometime. And then deflect back on to them. Theres this implication that the only reason you would ever want to say no to their request is if youre already busy, and yeah, thats annoying. It generally meant that they had read somewhere on some really stupid website that you should try to get the girl you want to talk about herself, because girls like to talk about themselves. I eat most things except Mexican, but with some people I have learned to just make the decision or well spend so much time dithering that once we decide on a place, my lunch break will be over. Silly Friend: what are you doing this weekend? And sometimes the answer is well but if they respond that way theyre not your friends anyway, but we interact with a lot of people who are not our friends but who are important to our lives (coworkers, for example, or in-laws) and yet who can levy that cost. Copyright 2011 thru 2023 Jennifer Peepas, all rights reserved. And take LWs at their word, maybe? My suggested response in to this question is therefore is just, I have finished planning yet, or still not finalized possibly followed by what are you up to? This is fairly similar to the Ill need to check my calendar, suggestions and still works if you arent the sort of person who uses a calendar and youre talking to someone close enough to know that about you. For example, Looking forward to the weekend? or I hope you get to relax this weekend.; My take is that if they wish to continue the conversation, they will do so, but if not, they can reply with a Yes/No. This comment has clarified a thing for me. I know theyre just trying to be friendly but it gets exhausting that starting Wednesday I have to deal with so what are you up to this weekend and then AGAIN on Monday what did you do this weekend? (So I guess Tuesday is the only day safe from that question, ha. I make it about my feelings for a bunch of reasons. Another interesting look at how varied cultural/regional norms and peoples own experiences can be. Except LW specifically said that with the peer-friends who are not using it as entrapment, LW doesnt find it problematic at all. If you can walk away from them, they're successful. I think Im just reacting to the comments that seem to me to have a Thats just the way it is, you have to deal vibe, partly because it seems to make sense that someone would write in for specific strategies of how to deal while getting as much of what they want and as little of what they dont want as possible. Everyone else usually stops after the how-are-yous are exchanged. I dont think my friends are trying to put me on the spot at all. It gets exhausting dealing with Got any plans this weekend? starting on Wednesday and then What did you do this weekend? again on Monday. The method that has been the most successful for me is to ask one person if theyre available/interested in an event, work out a date, and then specify such event in a group chat. YOU WILL NEVER FORGET THIS VIDEO. Its harder to say if someone doesnt do their fair share of emotional labor, or figuring out their fair share of chores if theyre not physically or mentally able to do the same amount as you. Reluctant runners just need a nudge. Read. (This one is so trite that it takes a few moments for the humor to sink in.) Which has been said in other comments and is important enough to say again. #2 is a good point. Whereas a lot of us see the advantages, like the precision you noticed, to some form of rapid written communication that wasnt around decades ago. Can you do me a favor? 3. I wonder if some variety of Im really flattered that you asked and I want to hang bout, but I REALLY need to recharge this weekend, maybe we can set a time that works for both of us? might be a good script? Well, now I know? And part of why Im asking is because maybe you just havent thought about it in those terms. I really appreciate the feedback from the Captain and other commenters about the need to own my time and feel more confident in my right to respond when and how I want to. This particular response though, is one of my favorite comments ever. I expect either Oh were going to see New Movie/having a picnic/running errands or I dunno, usually followed by how about you? Its a low pressure small talk question, most of the time. Soft invites in my friend circle are more just a mutually understood shorthand for I value your friendship so Im going to express a genuine desire to hang out even were both depressed and introverted and therefore the likelihood of this actually happening is pretty low.. Want to go to the turnip festival with me or are you busy? Well, Im not busy but I also dont want to go to any turnip festival ever. If the reason for you that you daughter should help you at X time with X thing is because family, is the reverse also true? Must say I kinda love your kids response. It helps that at this point in my life Ive stopped associating with people who dont understand that sometimes you can only have so much fun and then you need some time to like, open all your mail and pet the cat. Oh yes, this! It can be a white lie! Have a Happy . At least, it never has for me! Thursday is awful for me rushing all day invites the questioner to drop the topic, and Nothing, how about you invites the questioner to ask you to the fun thing. And maybe just dont think of the flip side where the question could potentially add more pressure. Now most parents dont really mean anything bad by this (theyre just used to being able to control their childs time and havent stopped to consider thats a rude way to treat an adult), so responding every time they try this with, Why, whats up? wont be a problem, followed by, that wont work for me if the invitation isnt something the adult child wants to do. TootsNYC, thanks for responding and considering what is said. 2. Also Go ahead and get your friends to hate me and think Im mean, if its ever helpful to you. Its all back to the lines of dominance and power again. The professor went to the restroom. And that goes triple if youre less privileged. You can change "because you have kids" to a variety of things, depending on whom you're talking to. Indeed, I often hear it as an attempt to trap me into doing something. That sounds weird coming from you. Helen Huntington already explained it very well. Answer vaguely. Jackpot! For example, when Sean Hayes started to sing "beautifully" on the show, Ellen said, "Ok, we have to take a break.". To pretend that it wont have a cost societally. LW was quite clear that the coercive uses of it are the problem that makes LW resentful, which is not at all an extreme response, but a healthy one. We cheerfully said we were free, assuming there was going to some festive get together and wanting to make friends. Yak shaving is a programming term, although Ive also seen it in other contexts. LW, one of the things you could do is take a hobby (or pretend to) and have that as your backup plans. Him: Good. That is a question I ask a lot, but its aim for me usually isnt to exepect that if they are not doing things they will be free for whatever I want. Makes sense. Im relearning advanced math as an adult because it seems fun and Im bitter that I grew up in an atmosphere that discouraged me from learning. You (if you are up for it potentially) yeah, thatd be fun Catching up on sleep, doing chores, spending time with my partner. leaving them vulnerable to all kinds of predation as teens and young adults. Im much better at saying no now, and I realize that in most situations saying no is a perfectly socially acceptable answer. Born and bred in southern California, how are you? asked of/by a stranger functions, for me, like any scripted greeting, pretty comparable to an all right with or without the interrogative in that a detailed (or even particularly honest) response is not expected and in many cases wont be acknowledged because it wont be heard (because no one is listening for it). Thats a great answer! Getting up before 10:30 drinking some more beer and starting to work on my truck/dirt bike this should consume your whole Saturday until about 10:00 then you drink lots of beer and head out with your buds. Funny Bumble Answers #4: Ironic, Nerdy-Cute Guy I actually have an answer for this one. why do you ask? when Im texting or emailing. IDK. You're very welcome. Its 2018. I think theres some ask culture vs. guess culture stuff in here too? Nothing much. (To the point where one of my coworkers will sometimes ask What are you doing this weekend? No matter how old you are, you don't want to be badgered about your life choices. Your radishes that you consider joint family radishes because everyone could eat them? You dont need to read their minds as to what they mean, suss out what they mean next, or throw up defenses against prying nosiness; most of the time, it will not be necessary. I can find someone else, so dont worry if youd rather not-Mittens likes you, so I thought of you first, but I know at least two people who have been angling for some alone time with the fountain., Translation: Here are all the ridiculous things I am asking for, and the dubious rewards I can offer in exchange. It doesnt mean Im not an interesting person or my life is less meaningful if Im selective about who I share the details of my life with. My white mom has a very unusual first name (I dont know of anyone with a name that is even similar, AND its spelled with a non-English character) and, 40 years after she moved to the US people still ask her where shes from. I agree with you based on what shes told me, it feels very othering, and she resents it.
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